quote:

"The Master watches things as they come and go. The nature of things is to come and go, with or without her permission, so why not enjoy the show? It's all so beautiful."

-Byron Katie
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If you've read some of the essays in this area of the website, you already know that much of my last year has been taken up with the long, slow process of healing a broken heart. It takes time---healing a heart that's been broken---and lots of love from those who circle the wagons to remind us that we're still lovable, no matter what else tells us otherwise. I'm now at an interesting juncture along this road, one that was invisible to me a year ago.

I now know that some people, once loved, never leave our hearts. They live on in our bones, those secret places where, in the dark of night, we still fell the imprint of them on our souls. They show up in our dreams. They come to the door and ask us, on a beautiful afternoon, to come out and play.

Which is what happened today. My former love arrived at the door just as I was fending off a bout of anxiety about all I had to do before I could call it a day. Flooded with my "to do" list, I was pretty glum. Then the invitation to leave all that behind and spend it on the golf course, where Great American Egrets, Great Blue Herons, and hawks of all kinds soar against the backdrop of a sky the color of a robin's egg.

I should have said no. At one time, I would have said no. I would have refused to put my heart on the line even for an afternoon with a man my daughter once described as "the splinter still working its way out of your heart."

But deeper than this story, which is only that---a story I made up in the middle of a bed I made for myself to grieve in---is another. In this other story, there is only compassion for these two people we are, both of us trying to make our way through life with whatever holes there might be in our separate hearts. He's had his blows too, his betrayals, and they have hurt him as much as mine have hurt me.

Ah, so.

I said yes. I left the puppy and the responsibilities of the day in my wake and took off for the fresh spring breeze, the bright blue sky, and whatever surprises the day held. Midway through the game, I looked at the man I love/d and thought, "I won't have an infinite number of chances to do this. We aren't young. We have a dwindling number of days for this kind of joy. How right I was to seize this one while I could!"

And so we enjoyed the beauty of the day together; we shared meaningful conversaation; and we continued the forging of the next stage of our relationship and a new kind of love.

Truly a blessed day, a fine experience, and a chance for what I once called "betrayal" to become something I'd now call a "lesson."

If there's a moral to this story, it's this: Don't draw conclusions too soon into the story. One never knows what the next chapter might hold or what the last line might say when it is finally written.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Meredith Jordan,